Four and a half years in Abilene. It's over now. At the drop party during Mike's training in San Antonio it was revealed what airframe Mike would be working on and at which base he would start out.
I can remember it clear as day: "C-130's to Dyess!" That was the announcement.
My heart sank at exactly the same moment my jaw dropped. Seriously? C-130s? A plane we were avoiding because of the strenuous deployment cycles. Abilene? What do you even do at that place besides watch the tumbleweeds roll and watch your step for rattlesnake?
We had a tiny bit of faith that God was in this decision and our fate did not depend on some commander who was giving Mike less than he deserved.
We went.
It was either that or get court marshaled.
Now we have been here four and a half years and it is time to PCS.
PCS --Permanent Change of Station.
I hate that word permanent.
At least I hate it now that my heart belongs and loves this dusty hot town.
For the last few months I have known it was coming, but I refuse to live in the future. I knew we were leaving, but I didn't
embrace it in my mind. Today however, I must. I must put all my attention and energy toward leaving.
Yesterday at church the boys had to say goodbye to
Ashten. ...wow. Typing that made my eyesight blurry.
Ashten has been their second mom. Now I can't see at all. Great. Where do we keep the tissue?
Ashten (I don't think she even knows this) is listed as the emergency contact at all kinds of places in case there is an emergency and they can't get
ahold of me. Probably you should inform your emergency contact that they are the emergency contact, that way they will be ready to step in if you need them. There is really no point in telling
Ashten. I know she would (
because she has) drop everything to help me out. She took the day off of work when I went into labor. I called her and my mother at 6:00 to tell them we were at the hospital. She and her husband have spent holidays with my extended family.
Every military wife needs someone who can and will drop everything when you need her. What will I do in Arkansas without her?
And it's not just her.
I've got about...5 REALLY GOOD friends. Then about another hundred good friends. These people have taken care of my family, prayed over me, encouraged me, fed me, fed my messy children, mowed my yard, drank coffee with me, shoveled my entire huge driveway when it came a blizzard and many other things.
I've got an arsenal full of older women who have taught me and counseled me.
Now I will be far away from them.
It's hard to think about this. It's overwhelming to think what I'll do on my own. I rely on these people!
It's been hard to breath. I thought it was because I was anxious and not trusting God. Then I was reading last night on my pregnancy app on my phone it said: "...your growing uterus has compressed your lungs, limiting their ability to fully expand when you take a breath and causing you to feel like you've just run a marathon when you've only climbed a flight of stairs."
I think maybe it's both.
The thought of bouncing around for the next few months, Mike being away from us, a baby being born, a house being built and the overseeing mama having about 30% of the energy I normally have... it makes breathing hard.
I can't do this. I can do a lot of stuff. I'm a military wife. We are amazing ;-)
But... this is too much.
Last night I read to the boys a chapter of the book we are going through: "Behold the Lamb of God." I will wait till another post to tell you how awesome I think this book is. If you are familiar with the Jesus storybook Bible, this is a bigger kid/adult version of that book. Yes, I am reading it to my 3 and 5 year-
olds. It is a bit of a struggle for them to understand, but things they are gleaning are worth it.
So I am reading this chapter. It is about when the Israelites were about to enter the promised land. Spies were sent in to check out the place. They came back and reported of it's bounty and it's HUGE strong people living in the land. The odds were against them being able to conquer the land. It was impossible. They couldn't do it.
The people responded to this report by being afraid and whining "We should have just stayed in Egypt to die." They did not want to enter. They didn't believe that God would fight for them. So... He didn't.
Despite the miracles of Egypt, the parting of the Red Sea, the miraculous provision of
manna and water, the visual reminder of a
pillar of cloud and a
pillar of fire... these people didn't believe that God could be trusted to prepare the way.
So he didn't.
He turned them around and had them wander in the desert for the next 40 years where every one of the "faithless generation" died.
I paused my reading in mid paragraph.
This is me. Or at least it could be. Things are heading that way.
I stand on the edge of the promised land (or... maybe just Arkansas) and I freeze up, struggle to breathe.
God who has taken a place like Abilene and taught me, provided for me, matured me, loved me, listened to me, helped me... and I think this God won't take care of the difficulties of this move.
I'm so dumb.
He's so faithful.
I'm so glad.
