Self

Hello Self,

We need to talk. For the last couple of weeks I've been spending a lot of time thinking about you. What you like, what you want, what you wish you could be.... It's been important to me to make you happy. I've even put some other important things on the back burner while I looked into things that you want. I've gotten irritated at my children when they did something that upset you. I haven't even noticed any of the needs of my friends and if one fell into my lap and I helped them out, well, I tried to make you feel so proud of yourself. I've tried to fill my days off with things that you would enjoy. I've spent extra time making you look good and feel good. All this effort to try to please you.

And.

You know what? It made me miserable. I've been discontent, irritable, sad, lonely, mad, bored, and have felt "not good enough."

All that work to make you feel good ... and I felt terrible.

Last night as I was lying in bed, I realized how my focus had shifted. Instead of looking to Christ, I was looking at myself.

What?

Really?

Again?

I didn't even realize it. When did this happen? How did my heart change?

It wasn't a conscious decision. But it had happened, somehow, over a matter of a week or two. I had totally started looking inward.

Last night I realized it and decided that was enough of that.

Today I spend 8 hours serving.

My 8 hours.

my 6 hours without kids

all of 'em

and 2 more.

and know what? I've had the best day I've had in a long time.

Joy works. Work works. Joyful works work best.

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Ps. 100

Hopefully I can stay on track now. I'm trying not to be irritated at myself for AGAIN falling down. Why am I so weak?

Thank you so much to everyone who is constantly coming along beside me and encouraging me. Your comments on here mean more than you know and your calls to check on me are dear to my heart. Thanks especially to my parents and Mike's parents who are continually trying to figure out ways to make my life easier. You are such a blessing. I love you.

Shots -- U P D A T E

After speaking with the guy from immunizations several times, I got the name of the doctor who is over him.

The doctor and I visited for a little while about the situation (I was very polite). And he thought the best option was for Ty to have blood drawn and tested to see if he was --in fact -- immune to the diseases that he was supposed to have been vaccinated for.

Brilliant.

That's why he's the doc. I am so glad to have a way to figure this one out. Problem is.... what if I'm wrong and the tests say that he hasn't been vaccinated?

Mom, after thinking about this, I don't think it is as much of a pride issue (that I have to be right) as it is a picture of my mental stability.

If I am wrong and have imagined 4 visits to the immunization clinic, what does that say of me?

I think I will lose all confidence in what little mental capability I thought I had.

I will hang my head -not in shame, but in defeat. "I'm an idiot." Where's my sign? Someone give me a sign. Take my children and give them to someone smart -maybe someone who studied physics or math in college. I can't even remember to vaccinate them from LIFE THREATENING DISEASES.

...it will be so bad if I'm wrong.

Nobody ask how this turns out... just in case I'm an idiot. Don't make me live it again.

I guess we will just wait and see.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me about this shot record thing. I am very thankful there is a way to find out the answer without giving Ty all his shots over again. God is good.

Psalm 77

I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.

You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

"Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."

I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.

With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.

The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.

Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.

Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Accountability

I have not been very disciplined lately when it comes to memorizing Scripture. So here is what I am going to do. First of all. I will not get on here and type meaningless things about my life until I have spent time reviewing and memorizing Scripture.

Fair enough?

Second. I am going to put the verses I am memorizing on here and let you all hold me accountable to knowing the verses.

For example. I type out my verse (as I will do in a moment), you read the verse and call me on the phone or email and ask me to quote it back to you. If you email me then I will email you back with the verse WITHOUT looking at it. If you call, well I am on the spot right there and will try to quote it back.

There is no prize for anyone who can stump me, and my hope is that my prize for memorizing the scripture will be life changing.

I am counting on you to help me. If you want to play along and memorize my verses too. I will happily call you and ask for your quotes.

I have decided to start in Ps. 119 as it is full of verses about how important the Bible is and how useful it is to life. Here I go!

I am memorizing the verses in the Living translation. This is how I will quote them.

Ps. 119:1-5

Happy are all who perfectly follow the laws of God.

Happy are all who search for God and always do His will;

rejecting compromise with evil and walking only in His paths.

You have given us your laws to obey

--Oh how I want to follow them consistantly.

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