Self

Hello Self,

We need to talk. For the last couple of weeks I've been spending a lot of time thinking about you. What you like, what you want, what you wish you could be.... It's been important to me to make you happy. I've even put some other important things on the back burner while I looked into things that you want. I've gotten irritated at my children when they did something that upset you. I haven't even noticed any of the needs of my friends and if one fell into my lap and I helped them out, well, I tried to make you feel so proud of yourself. I've tried to fill my days off with things that you would enjoy. I've spent extra time making you look good and feel good. All this effort to try to please you.

And.

You know what? It made me miserable. I've been discontent, irritable, sad, lonely, mad, bored, and have felt "not good enough."

All that work to make you feel good ... and I felt terrible.

Last night as I was lying in bed, I realized how my focus had shifted. Instead of looking to Christ, I was looking at myself.

What?

Really?

Again?

I didn't even realize it. When did this happen? How did my heart change?

It wasn't a conscious decision. But it had happened, somehow, over a matter of a week or two. I had totally started looking inward.

Last night I realized it and decided that was enough of that.

Today I spend 8 hours serving.

My 8 hours.

my 6 hours without kids

all of 'em

and 2 more.

and know what? I've had the best day I've had in a long time.

Joy works. Work works. Joyful works work best.

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

Worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Ps. 100

Hopefully I can stay on track now. I'm trying not to be irritated at myself for AGAIN falling down. Why am I so weak?

Thank you so much to everyone who is constantly coming along beside me and encouraging me. Your comments on here mean more than you know and your calls to check on me are dear to my heart. Thanks especially to my parents and Mike's parents who are continually trying to figure out ways to make my life easier. You are such a blessing. I love you.