Friday, May 29, 2009

Getting near the breaking point.

******UPDATE:************

Sat. May 30

Today has been SO much better. I haven't felt this good in weeks or maybe months. Ashten (my friend) came over and had breakfast with us today and then she and I sat on the front porch for hours. We talked the whole time. I am so thankful for her. Maybe that is what I was needing.

OR....

maybe it was you praying for me that made the difference.

If it was you, PLEASE DON'T STOP!!!

If you can give me 3 more weeks of that prayer support I will be forever grateful.

Thank you.



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ORIGINAL POST


I am seriously wondering how much longer I will be able to hold out.

Really.

Not kidding.

I don't even know what it is that is driving me so crazy, but I feel like I'm about to break.

My insides are screaming while on the outside I look "a little tired."

I am working hard to appear to the boys as one in control and calm.

I feel far from it.

I think the best way to describe my emotions is like that of someone living alone on an island.

That's what I feel like I'm doing.

I don't think I should feel like this. I roll my eyes (inside) every time I hear someone say "Let me know if you need anything."

Sure.

Not really. I don't like asking for help unless I have no other option. So I don't.

I feel that if you want to help. You will pay attention to what is going on in my life and see what needs there are. Then just do 'em. I shouldn't have to ask. So I don't.

I'm sure it's some sort of pride issue that I have. But really I think it is the fact that rejection of any kind bothers me so much that I don't want to ask for anything just in case you are busy that day and can't help. I'd rather deal with my crap then risk rejection.

Looks like we are getting into way more serious issues than just pride.... But that's how I feel about it.

I don't know what is wrong with me. Am I just tired of everything or am I depressed? I'm feeling a few of the symptoms I had back when I had postpartum depression. I feel like I am absolutely no fun to be around right now. I have no appetite. I feel like I have nothing to offer the outside world. I want to be both isolated and included at the same time.

I don't know why I am writing this for everyone to see. That's probably really dumb.

Need to go now. Kids need me.

1 comment:

The Shepherd Family said...

You are not alone. I have felt like this a good majority of the last 9 months, exactly like this.
It is tough and it seems like there is not "light at the end of the tunnel" to the feelings, but eventually it will be ok. Not sure what it will take, besides some prayer, but it will be ok. At least this is what I am telling myself.
I am praying for you, and myself as we concur these tough emotions.
You are strong, don't ever feel less than that.