Sunday, May 17, 2009

Whatever You're Doing Inside of Me

So did anyone notice my new music?

I have worn out the music in my library and have been searching for something new. This song by Sanctus Real, "Whatever You're Doing," is pretty much exactly where I am right now.

I know. Seems like I'm all over the place. Every day some different emotion or struggle. You are mostly correct. But the rotation could be as little as 3-4 days or as long as 3 weeks. Never know what kind of battle is going on in my mind. I don't know if it's just the fact that I'm female or if a lot of it is due to the struggles of a deployment.

Is life like this for single moms? Is it easier for them since there isn't a husband/daddy that they are all waiting on? Part of me thinks that it would be easier to adjust and cope and even thrive in life when circumstances don't change all the time. Another part of me can't imagine living like this FOREVER.

My heart's desire is to be able to do so well on deployments that my husband will have great confidence in me and won't worry about us back home. This is where God put us. I don't want Mike to consider leaving the AF because of me. If God wants us out, that's fine. Mike needs to see us doing well, he needs to know his family will not be permanently set back because of his career.

I listened to Butch (Living Hope Baptist Church, College Station) preach the other day while I was running. He spoke about our Salvation being a holy calling. He tried to drive home the point that we did nothing to merit our Salvation. Nothing good that we do will ever get us anywhere.

All believers have the capacity --because of his (God's) grace, to walk in crazy obedience --because of the crazy love of God.

Our salvation is a holy calling that flows from the gracious purposes of God in our lives.

We put way too much focus on us, that's why we get disappointed when we fail. Cause we are too full of us thinking it is our power, our strength, our capacity to walk in victory. No it's not that at all, it's God's.

It really got my attention. It made me start asking these questions:

  • Am I living in my own strength?
  • How can I surrender my control and start using this awesome gift of power and strength that God gives us?
  • What does it look like to give up control in a role that demands that someone be in control?

I don't even know how to begin to give up control. But I am sure that whatever God has to offer me will be a hundred times better than my best attempt at "holding it together."

But I can't keep living like this. It's exhausting. It's physically exhausting, yes, but I can do it. I am strong.
The part that is the hardest on me right now is the lack of personal contact. I see people. But I miss so much the rest I get just from having a friend around. In the evenings. Bath time. Dinner. After the kids are in bed. Someone to just sit there while I fold clothes. That is when I miss Mike the most. He is my friend.

I feel so helpless when it comes to being "pro-active" about being a friend to others. I'm stuck in a place where my children aren't consistently good enough to go to a friend's house w/o me feeling like I'm imposing on them. I don't want people to feel like they've really "been in the trenches for God" after a visit with me. No. I'm not going to do that to anyone --at least on purpose. So I'm here longing for people and yet not able to do much about it.

It's confusing. Maybe I'm looking to people to fill a void that needs to be filled with God.

So, fill it God! That's what I'm asking.

I don't even know what I'm asking.

That's why this song has spoken to me so much over the last few days.
Scroll down to the bottom of the page and play the song while you read the lyrics.

And that's where I am.

Whatever You're Doing

It's time for healing
time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender


Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...


Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see

This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out


Anonymous said...

i actually have not read anything except the first line but the music started playing when i was talking to dad and i was like heyy she got new music then i read the first line. :)

Carolyn said...

I just want you to know that you're not the only one that feels this way......I've got to "clean this old house" all the time~and my man doesn't have to leave the country for long periods of time! You're not alone~it's called sanctification~and it's not always easy...just know that in the hard times, He is using them to mold you more and more into His image (also know...I'm re-telling myself the same thing!!!). Don't fight the molding or next time it will be worse and hurt more. Lastly~know that Holiness is a choice...choosing to be holy, as He is holy, brings things into our lives that cause us to become more like Him~if we take and heed what's behind the "things". Asking God "why?" is a perfectly OK thing to do because in the answer He may reveal to you exactly why He is asking you to walk through this or that. Remember in our weakness, His strength is perfected. Love ya, girl~Carolyn

Cinda Boshart said...

Becca, one of the most comforting things I've learned to do when feeling this way is to be still. Really just empty all the chaos out for a few minutes and lay prostrate on the floor and just be still...asking Jesus to come to you..welcoming Him to come in and take over.

I love you--your transparency is so refreshing and good--you're living in the light.


Cinda Boshart said...

Bec, here's what I read in my devotional Bible this morning: "...the soul grows by a series of crises." He said it's good to bring matters to a criseis and spend time in prayer and become desperate over issues. I think that's exactly what you're doing. Good job--keep fighting for the truth and remember that God loves to be asked.

Anonymous said...

Becca, that was a beautiful post that showed your humble heart that longs to serve Him with all that you are. Thank you so much for sharing, I feel challanged and refreashed, ready to fight the battle again tomorrow.
Sarah H.
Carolyn is right. :) It is sanctification. And you are embracing it to it's fullest (most of us don't) and that makes you more sensitive to your short comings, but so much more precious in the sight of God for your humble heart.