Whatever You're Doing Inside of Me

So did anyone notice my new music?

I have worn out the music in my library and have been searching for something new. This song by Sanctus Real, "Whatever You're Doing," is pretty much exactly where I am right now.

I know. Seems like I'm all over the place. Every day some different emotion or struggle. You are mostly correct. But the rotation could be as little as 3-4 days or as long as 3 weeks. Never know what kind of battle is going on in my mind. I don't know if it's just the fact that I'm female or if a lot of it is due to the struggles of a deployment.

Is life like this for single moms? Is it easier for them since there isn't a husband/daddy that they are all waiting on? Part of me thinks that it would be easier to adjust and cope and even thrive in life when circumstances don't change all the time. Another part of me can't imagine living like this FOREVER.

My heart's desire is to be able to do so well on deployments that my husband will have great confidence in me and won't worry about us back home. This is where God put us. I don't want Mike to consider leaving the AF because of me. If God wants us out, that's fine. Mike needs to see us doing well, he needs to know his family will not be permanently set back because of his career.

I listened to Butch (Living Hope Baptist Church, College Station) preach the other day while I was running. He spoke about our Salvation being a holy calling. He tried to drive home the point that we did nothing to merit our Salvation. Nothing good that we do will ever get us anywhere.

All believers have the capacity --because of his (God's) grace, to walk in crazy obedience --because of the crazy love of God.

Our salvation is a holy calling that flows from the gracious purposes of God in our lives.

We put way too much focus on us, that's why we get disappointed when we fail. Cause we are too full of us thinking it is our power, our strength, our capacity to walk in victory. No it's not that at all, it's God's.

It really got my attention. It made me start asking these questions:

• Am I living in my own strength?
• How can I surrender my control and start using this awesome gift of power and strength that God gives us?
• What does it look like to give up control in a role that demands that someone be in control?

I don't even know how to begin to give up control. But I am sure that whatever God has to offer me will be a hundred times better than my best attempt at "holding it together."

But I can't keep living like this. It's exhausting. It's physically exhausting, yes, but I can do it. I am strong.
The part that is the hardest on me right now is the lack of personal contact. I see people. But I miss so much the rest I get just from having a friend around. In the evenings. Bath time. Dinner. After the kids are in bed. Someone to just sit there while I fold clothes. That is when I miss Mike the most. He is my friend.

I feel so helpless when it comes to being "pro-active" about being a friend to others. I'm stuck in a place where my children aren't consistently good enough to go to a friend's house w/o me feeling like I'm imposing on them. I don't want people to feel like they've really "been in the trenches for God" after a visit with me. No. I'm not going to do that to anyone --at least on purpose. So I'm here longing for people and yet not able to do much about it.

It's confusing. Maybe I'm looking to people to fill a void that needs to be filled with God.

So, fill it God! That's what I'm asking.

I don't even know what I'm asking.

That's why this song has spoken to me so much over the last few days.
Scroll down to the bottom of the page and play the song while you read the lyrics.

And that's where I am.





Whatever You're Doing


It's time for healing
time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender


(Chorus)

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly


Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...


(Chorus)


Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears


Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see

This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out