If only

Do you ever get an idea in your head of something that would make your life, "Oh so much better?"

You know, something that would really change your life if you had it. Let's say you're a single car family. "If we only got a second car... that would make life so much better."

Or maybe you were like my mom and dreamed of a clean garage and a working automatic garage door opener --complete with a remote. "Oh that would make life so much better." (Yes, I am putting the words in her mouth.)

Or maybe, like our family, you are a military family. Maybe you, like us, are constantly being disturbed by the upheaval of the daddy. One deployment after another, months passing, grey hairs and children growing, adjustments, change... "If only there was some stability in our home... that would make life so much better."

Today has been one of many days over the last year where I've had an "If only" day.

It's border line obsessive.

Nothing like parenting alone on a snow day to make these feelings rise, yet again to the surface.

"If only I had an espresso maker... that would make life so much better."

[slowly nodding]

Yes.

I've been obsessed with this idea for over a year now. No kidding, ask Hannah. Last deployment I spent hours looking online, checking craigslist and ebay.

Is it too much to ask for?

A top-of-the-line, fully automatic, "precision of a barista with the touch of a single button" espresso machine? One that in no time at all, grinds the beans, brews one or two cups of espresso to my exact specifications and ejects the used grounds?

It would transform morning coffee into a culinary experience.

I would get up early, make me a latte and then sit down with Jesus. I can't think of a more perfect way to spend the six o'clock hour.

Currently it's just me, Jesus and coffee from a $9.99 Mr. Coffee.

sigh... think of how much better my quiet time would be if I had Jesus AND a latte?

I'd probably start speaking in tongues.

I'll bet all those charismatics drink lattes with Jesus.

That's why they are always so... charismatic.

"If only...."

If only I wasn't a quality snob and would except nothing less than a really nice one.

Earlier today, Jack came in from playing in the snow and asked for some hot chocolate (twice in fact).

"Sure!" was my reply. Then I thought: "If only I had an espresso machine and could use it to steam the milk."

If only....

Again and again I think about how handy it would be. How my life would change.

I'd probably have more friends.

Who wouldn't want to come over to my house, shew the children to the back playroom, plop down on the couch and have a coffee house beverage delivered to them? And I wouldn't even charge them. I'd be busier than Starbucks. I bet I could even trade babysitting for espressos. They'd be breaking down the door.

If only....

Eyes up front

Change is something I don't do very well. You know, stuff like packing up and moving.

Adventurous?

Me?

No. Not really. Not really at all.

I'd probably say that this is one of the areas I most need God to work on me and change my heart -that sort of change is OK with me.

Funny that I'm a military wife and just the thought of moving makes my neck tighten and my jaw clench. I've literally had a tight back for a couple of days after Mike and I talk seriously about where we would like his next duty station to be.

It is probably because of my resistance that God has me moving all the time.

I hate to do it, and I hate to talk about doing it. But I love God and where he leads I will follow. Mike's in charge of seeking God and finding out where he would have us move.

"I don't wanna to talk 'bout it."

I watched Jack follow Mike across the street today.

It was a CLEAR picture of how I follow God. Seriously. I think God had me bring up the rear in our parade across the street just so I could see this.

We had just stepped off of the trolley and Mike tells us to cross the street in front of the car.

First comes Mike, the wise, strong, loving Daddy. He was holding on to Ty --carrying him across the street. Another picture of how God will make a way for us to get through situations that we are not yet mature enough to handle on our own.

Jack was about two steps behind Mike. I was about two steps behind Jack. Jack steps off the curb and is looking to the left. -I don't think he has much idea what is in FRONT of him. But I saw everything: a manhole with the cover protruding from the street a little, the trolley tracks, the little round bumpy reflector things stuck on the road so you can drive at night and see where your lane is. Then there is the curb on the far side.

There are all these obstacles that could trip Jack up if he doesn't see them. But Jack wasn't focused on these. He was looking out for cars. We've trained him of the dangers of the street and how he needs to be VERY careful every time he goes into the street.

We are also working on training him something else. When his Daddy or Mommy give him a command, he is to obey --without question.

We work on this when he is crossing the street (especially on bike rides). If we say "GO" then he doesn't need to stop and look both ways for 15 seconds.

He can go.

It is safe.

His parents who know more than him and who love him have already checked out the way, and it is safe.

So Jack is acrossing the street, looking at the trolley car and looking out for other cars that could potentially hurt him. He knows to get out of the street as quick as he can, so he runs. As I watch Jack I tell him:

"Look at your Daddy, watch your daddy, Jack follow your Daddy."

I'm trying to get his focus off of the things that harm him and onto the one who will protect him.

Wow. It hit me almost instantly.

No, not the trolley.

The realization that Jack's actions while crossing the street are the same ones I display when change comes up.

I cross (follow), but as I cross, I make sure I am watching out for the dangers. I have my face turned to the left. I don't want to get blindsided. I don't have my eyes on my Daddy. I will listen to his voice and when he says cross, I will cross. But I don't do it with the faith of one who looks ONLY to their daddy.

When I choose to look only to my Dad, I will be able to see the things that could have potentially tripped me up (manhole, reflectors, tracks). I should be able to avoid them.

When my eyes are focused on my Dad, I don't see all the things that the world says I should be worried or "concerned" about --and they definitely don't have my attention.

I want Jack to follow Mike without any reservation. If Mike says, "Come," I want Jack to come, quickly, happily, without fear.

That must be what God wants of me.