Deployment #4

Wow.

I wasn't expecting this.

This goodbye was much like the first one.

We are getting so good at "goodbyes" that I was expecting a smooth transition --internally.

Not so.

And I think I know why this one has been as rough as the first, both took place during pregnancies.

I've got a lump in my throat and tears trying hard to burst forth.

I don't even know why... I mean, I do know why, but I usually don't react this way.

The last two days have been exhausting. One might think that the last 48 before your love leaves would be wonderful and special. You stay up as late as possible, anything to not let it end. You know, like on the movies (Pearl Harbor comes to mind.) Not so.

The last couple days you fake it. You act like everything is happy and fun. You force a laugh at even the lamest of jokes. You are positive. You are brave. You are carefree.

But you really aren't.

You've got a deployment staring you in the face. A dangerous mission. Questions about the future that haven't even come up. You just know they are there. How will this one go? The start of every deployment is the abrupt end of one chapter of life and the forced start of another.

Yet you have to be happy.

I don't like being a fake. It's so tiring. I think I may have made myself sick. My stomach has been really weird for about 6 days now. I haven't eaten much cause almost every time I do eat I regret it.

So here I am, recouping.

Lying in bed.

I haven't done a thing today.

A dear friend came and spent the day with me. What a blessing. Hannah, my sis, got here at noon. She will be spending some or all of the deployment here with me. I can't even tell you how much this will help me. She's so good with the boys and like all of my siblings, she is a hard worker. I'm so blessed that my parents have taught all of us how to work. I can always look forward to and enjoy when they come to visit because I know none of them will be a burden.

But I'm still down today. It's irritating. I want to jump in with both feet and get moving on this new chapter. I think I'll title it: "The Deployment I had a wife."

I want to be joyful and strong and brave and all those other good things. I want them to characterize me, even in tough times.

I don't see any advantage to sitting around being glum. But I'm not sure if I need to let myself mourn or force myself to jump right up and get to doing things. Then there's the whole pregnancy factor, how does that or even does that change anything?

I'm hoping that very soon, maybe even tomorrow, I will feel ready to go. Ready to live life. I can't just sit out till this one's over, other wise I will spend half my life of the bench.