I got to hold Austin tonight.
It was heaven. Speaking of heaven, I told him about it while I was holding him. I told him how wonderful heaven would be. That there wouldn't be any pain or medical tape and I told him that God would be there, and that would be the best part. My new strategy with this kid is to get him saved before the sin nature kicks in. That way maybe he can just miss the "sinning" stage all together. I'm thinking that would make life with three kids easier.
Back to Austin. He is doing very well. Tonight he looked all funny cause he was lying face down and he had some swelling in the front of his face, plus he has been wearing a mask all day to keep the photo therapy lights from hurting his eyes. The docs will keep coming down off the oxygen and he is getting to where he will do more and more of the breathing on his own. We didn't get to feed him a bottle today. But hopefully that will be tomorrow. He is taking breast milk through a tube to his stomach.
The boys are doing good. Mike and I are also doing good. Lots of my friends have asked how I was emotionally. I've told them I was good. I am. God is good and so I should be good with whatever He sees fit to bring our way. God knew this problem would be present at Austin's birth and God provided EXCELLENT nurses and doctors and equipment to help him. Why should I be afraid? If God hadn't provided what Austin needed to survive, God is still good. The end.
I am not afraid that my son will not live. I wonder if I could still say that I trust God if Austin was not doing well. I hope so. I'd prefer to not be tested in that area.
I was holding Austin tonight; it was wonderful. I cannot wait till I get to take him home and "keep" him.
The nurse told me, "Five more minutes then he needs to go back under the lights." I nodded, then my eyes filling up with tears. "Great, of all the times to cry..." I thought. I convinced my emotions that they needed to wait till a better time to express themselves. So far I haven't felt like I needed to cry, but maybe I do, maybe that would be a good release. I suppose I am a little stressed. It is mostly due to the fatigue of my body, the business of going back and forth to the hospital, and concern for my older boys as they miss their mama.
I know Austin needs to be in that NICU room but I can't help but feel a longing to bring him home with me, to hold him, to take care of him. I just want to kiss him. I want him to know how much his daddy and I love him. I want him to know that the pain he's going through is going to benefit him and that I allow those doctors and nurses to put him through it because it will make him stronger.
I wonder if that's how God feels about His children?