Tuesday, May 25, 2010


I got to hold Austin tonight.

It was heaven. Speaking of heaven, I told him about it while I was holding him. I told him how wonderful heaven would be. That there wouldn't be any pain or medical tape and I told him that God would be there, and that would be the best part. My new strategy with this kid is to get him saved before the sin nature kicks in. That way maybe he can just miss the "sinning" stage all together. I'm thinking that would make life with three kids easier.

Back to Austin. He is doing very well. Tonight he looked all funny cause he was lying face down and he had some swelling in the front of his face, plus he has been wearing a mask all day to keep the photo therapy lights from hurting his eyes. The docs will keep coming down off the oxygen and he is getting to where he will do more and more of the breathing on his own. We didn't get to feed him a bottle today. But hopefully that will be tomorrow. He is taking breast milk through a tube to his stomach.

The boys are doing good. Mike and I are also doing good. Lots of my friends have asked how I was emotionally. I've told them I was good. I am. God is good and so I should be good with whatever He sees fit to bring our way. God knew this problem would be present at Austin's birth and God provided EXCELLENT nurses and doctors and equipment to help him. Why should I be afraid? If God hadn't provided what Austin needed to survive, God is still good. The end.

I am not afraid that my son will not live. I wonder if I could still say that I trust God if Austin was not doing well. I hope so. I'd prefer to not be tested in that area.

I was holding Austin tonight; it was wonderful. I cannot wait till I get to take him home and "keep" him.

The nurse told me, "Five more minutes then he needs to go back under the lights." I nodded, then my eyes filling up with tears. "Great, of all the times to cry..." I thought. I convinced my emotions that they needed to wait till a better time to express themselves. So far I haven't felt like I needed to cry, but maybe I do, maybe that would be a good release. I suppose I am a little stressed. It is mostly due to the fatigue of my body, the business of going back and forth to the hospital, and concern for my older boys as they miss their mama.

I know Austin needs to be in that NICU room but I can't help but feel a longing to bring him home with me, to hold him, to take care of him. I just want to kiss him. I want him to know how much his daddy and I love him. I want him to know that the pain he's going through is going to benefit him and that I allow those doctors and nurses to put him through it because it will make him stronger.

I wonder if that's how God feels about His children?


Rebecca T said...

made my heart happy and sad at the same time! i can't wait for you to take him home for good. I want to bring you dinner and take care of "stuff" that i could do. I can clean and do the not fun stuff so you can take care of all your boys. figure out a day you want me to come and clean for you. i can bring you food then too. i want to be able to serve you during this time. aren't you glad they came home early!!! thinking about that really stressed me out for a minute that Mike could have missed the birth. But as always, God is good. He is our Jehovah Jariah (sp?)

Alison said...

I wanted you to know that Zeb and I are praying for Austin and your family. Speaking from a mom who just experienced having their newborn in the NICU for 6 days, I understand how hard it is not getting to hold your baby whenever you want to. Also, I understand that it's tiring to go back and forth between home and the hospital when you're trying to recover. But, I do know that it is a wonderful feeling to bring home your child, in God's time, and know that he is healthy. We will keep Austin in our prayers.

Cheryl S. said...

Oh good grief Becca. I did not need to read this at work. You are a very strong woman and I look up to you for that. BUT remember, it is okay to cry and sometimes it is healthier to get it all out and cry. My heart aches for you. Hang in there. Austin will get to come home in no time. Please let us know if we can help. We are only a phone call way. I'm always available to talk.

Love ya,

Anonymous said...

Your family is in my prayers. Know that your strength during this time is definitely a statement of faith for the rest of us and God is working through you even now :) Your posts have always been able to make me cry, and this one was no different.

Love you.
Rachel Evans

Regina said...

I love your blogs. I can't wait to met the new little "big" guy.

Anonymous said...

Praying that today is HOME COMING for Austin! Love you guys bunches.

mamalindak said...

Hope today is HOME COMING for Austin! He has a precious family waiting for him. I wonder what God is teaching the big brothers through all this? Love you guys! Praying!